Sunday, September 27, 2009

Why the long faces, ladies?

By Jennifer O’Connell

Why the long faces, girls?

It may be 123 years since we were allowed to go to university; 81 years since we got the vote and 30 years since the legalization of contraception, but study after study shows that we’re still not happy.

According to the General Social Survey, which has tracked the mood of Americans since 1972, and five other major studies around the world, the happiness of women everywhere has been in an unstoppable downward spiral since the 1970s.

At the same time, men have been getting progressively chirpier.

The more women achieve, the more we seem to be aggrieved. Are we just terminally unhappy? Has biology programmed us to be unable to experience anything approaching contentment? Or are we just so deeply wedded to our martyred state that it would kill us to admit otherwise?

For a while now, researchers have speculated that the problem might be ‘the second shift’; all those extra hours of domestic labour successive studies have shown we put in while the partner blessed with a Y chromosome gets to lounge around on the sofa watching Time Team.

But wait, that can’t be it. Because men have always been pretty good at lounging around on the sofa and it’s probably safe to say that the fathers and grandfathers of today’s generation of loungers were even better at it.

Which leaves US researchers trying to make sense of the latest happiness data scratching their heads. Perhaps, they posit, the legacy of feminism was to leave us with too many choices, so no matter which path we take, we end up agonising about all the horizons we chose not to go skipping off into.

Maybe, in the end, it worked out better for men. Having wives and partners who go out to work, and still bear children AND still take on the greater burden of domestic labour does sound like a small price to pay for having to iron your own shirt once in a while.

But that doesn’t quite explain it all away either.

And if you scratch beneath the surface of the data, and the real problem seems to be something much more disturbing.

The cause of our chronic misery is that little bundle of joy swinging out of your leg as you try to read this; or the slightly bigger bundle who trudged in far too late last night, and is now using up all the hot water.

“Across the happiness data, the one thing in life that will make you less happy is having children,” said Betsey Stevenson, an assistant professor at Wharton University in the USA, and the co-author of a paper called The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness.

“It’s true whether you’re wealthy or poor, if you have kids late or kids early. Yet I know very few people who would tell me they wish they hadn’t had kids or who would tell me they feel their kids were the destroyer of their happiness.”

There it is, the shocking, unpalatable truth. It is our beloved progeny who are to blame for our plunging serotonin levels.

I think I know what’s happened here.

Since I had my children, I have never laughed so much, nor felt such deep, gulping love. I’ve never bungee jumped off Sydney Harbour Bridge, but I can’t imagine the feeling has a patch on the sensation of a sticky nineteen month-old hand placed affectionately on your arm.

But I have also never whined so much. I have never experienced so much guilt, exhaustion, loneliness or frustration.

If you were to turn up at my door with a clipboard while I was busy trying to maneuver spoonfuls of fish pie into two reluctant mouths, as the soundtrack to Finlay the Fire Engine blared in the background, and ask me if I was happy, I’d probably issue forth a deep, sardonic laugh and mutter something about Amy Winehouse being sober.

But would I change a minute of it? God, no.

So, sorry Betsey, but it’s not really a paradox. It is, as my own mother has reminded me on more than one occasion, simply parenthood.

We don’t have children to make us happy. It’s our job to make them happy. It’s their job to drive us distracted with fury/pride/frustration/love/all of the above.

Maybe the only thing that’s really changed in the past 70 years are our expectations, and our willingness to admit when life doesn’t always live up to them.

If we really, as all the research seems to suggest, feel such acute discontent at our lot, maybe we should be asking not why we’re not happy, but why it is that our expectations are so out of kilter with reality.

Lately, I’ve had the pleasure of interviewing some very accomplished and universally content octo- and nonagenarians, and it got me thinking about the importance of community. There is now almost incontrovertible evidence to show how social engagement and a sense of belonging can keep you alive for longer.

But if a sense of belonging to something wider than yourself is so crucial for the very old, then it’s not such a giant leap to suggest that maybe it’s important for the rest of us too.

Perhaps it’s especially important for those of us at the other end of life. Unrealistic expectations, isolation, alienation - all of the less pleasant aspects of new motherhood are also reasonably new phenomena.

In previous generations, children weren’t born just to their mother and father; they were born to an entire community comprising grandparents, neighbours, friends, aunts and grandaunts, the woman in the corner shop and the man in the pharmacy.

For new parents, the benefit was a double whammy. There was plenty of help, company and a choice of shoulders to cry on when you brought your new baby home from hospital. But since you’d already been that help, advice and shoulder to cry on for someone else, your expectations were pretty realistic.

Nowadays, it’s often just you and the public health nurse.

It’s no wonder we experience such shock and disappointment when we discover that raising children is hard; harder still if you’re trying to do it while holding down a full time job and staying on top of the laundry.

At the risk of sounding like a contender for the Aras*, the prescription for our happiness is all around us. We just have to find a way to reach out to it.

(*If anyone’s asking, yes I’m definitely interested.)

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